Is it just me, or are you also sick of inspiration horse movies too?
Don’t get me wrong. I love animals. I’m not a masochist. I just find it excruciating to pay fourteen bucks to watch some people cry over some “noble horse” that really hasn’t done anything noble except get molested by the spandex-wearing jockey who’s bouncing on top of him. So with the release of Disney’s newest make-your-heart-go-thump-thump story, Secretariat, I decided to compile a list of all the things I find cliché in horse movies.
Scene one pretty much sets the stage for the film. You get introduced to the characters: the loving, caring father and the harsh, alcoholic and probably Republican grandfather who licks his lips every goddamn time he says a goddamn thing. Then there’s the wild, passionate daughter who wants to ride free with her beautiful Bonnie or Brownie or whatever cheesy name the horse is given. And, of course, there’s the looming threat that some day, Big Businessman Al McRichards is going to take over the barn. Heave ho, let’s save the barn!
But the big question drifts by as we see some grassy Kentucky hills and grazing horses and surprisingly, little to no horse poop or people reacting to the horse poop fumes. The Conservative grandfather (we’ll refer to him as Pa) wants to sell the farm. “You got yer head in the clouds, is what’s what! I’m doin’ what’s best for the farm!” he shouts in an emotional scene in the family’s simple kitchen that has horse-patterened wall paper. “Maybe I’m a dreamer, Pop,” the son says with a twinkle in his eye, “but I got a song in my heart.” (Optional montage of mountains with father singing country tunes in the background.) The daughter gets into trouble riding her horse into the neighbor’s pasture. Some shit is about to go down.
In scene three, we catch a glimpse of a small horse being born and the shit about to be going down (the fawn of Bonnie-Brownie, known as Warrior, because obviously the horse is a Jesus Horse.) Warrior is a weakling and has a lame leg, but with the Kentucky races around the corner and Bonnie-Brownie dead from giving birth to a Jesus Horse, the family is in a horrible state! Worst of all, Mean Al McRichards is training his horse, Steelfucker, and it looks like Steelfucker is going to win.
Well, you can pretty much guess what happens next. The girl makes a bond with Warrior. They eat popsicles together (which happened in Dreamer. Total ew! Who wants to eat gross, slobbery, horse-spitty popsicles?). They run through the pasture. Soon, Young Warrior is a noble steed, beautiful yet still lame.
Warrior wins a few races.
Warrior wins some more races.
Then there are some inspirational scenes where the neighbors come for a party, and you see those weird symbolic newscasters shouting, “WARRIOR WINS BY AN INCH!” and a newspaper proclaiming: “WARRIOR OUTNUMBERS THE REST” and finally, the most hair-raising: “WARRIOR AND STEELFUCKER: IT’S WAR.”
Indeed it is. Well, as you can imagine, you can’t just focus a two-hour movie on some horse. You have to add in some internal family drama in order to make it real to those who aren’t obsessive about some damn horses. The grandfather is drinking too much, perhaps making illegal deals behind the scenes. The son is trying to tame his daughter’s excitement. And we’re all wondering why in fuck we paid $14 to see this movie.
Well, folks, it’s game day. It shows the unimportant horses (who later sued for Equity Rights Violations) getting prepped by spandex-wearing jockeys. There are some nasal-sounding sportscasters talking about how there’s not a way in hell that Warrior will defeat Steelfucker. And we return to Warrior’s stall to realize -- Warrior’s been seriously injured by Steelfucker’s boss!
It’s times like this we wonder if we should quietly slip out among the crying eleven-year-olds and find a life or sneak into Toy Story 3. (I chose the latter, because a) I have no life and b) the peas-in-a-pod were so gosh darn cute!!) But there’s little hope as we realize…well, no, the drama just about ends right there. Because the inspired daughter makes an encouraging speech, the Grandfather is sober enough to listen, and the father is so enraptured in this he accidentally gives the Grandfather a hug. The race extends for the next quarter-hour of the movie, and between yawns, the audience can discover that Warrior is riding steadily until Steelfucker nudges him a few times. Golly gee! It’s a close race, and there are two ways to end it. One, Warrior wins, and Big Al McRichards throws his hat on the ground, accepts his loss, and gives the family back the barn. Two, Warrior loses, but Big Al McRichards still has a change of heart and gives them the barn. Three, another random horse wins, and the two learn to accept their differences. Four, the daughter runs off to Sweden with an African lesbian and is never heard from again.
So as you pay your hard-earned cash to see a movie you’ve likely seen three, four, or even five trillion times already, just keep a little pen and paper to jot down the plot. Post your interpretation as a comment, or e-mail me and I’ll post my favorite one.
With regards,
Jennie
